My Compass Is Moral

How Would You be Categorized if Lost? According to experts in search and rescue, it is a myth that we panic when lost. Instead, most of us experience shock, disbelief, and embarrassment. Why is so hard to ask for help? It turns out, it isn’t just men who don’t ask for direction. Many people experience an irrational belief that no one is looking for them. When that happens, they don’t call out. Some even ignore a helicopter flying overhead. When we are feeling lost, we have overwhelming senses of isolation and loneliness, don’t we? Hunters become lost because they are focused on the game rather than navigation or time of day. If caught after dark, the typical hunter will build a shelter and then proudly walk out of the woods, unassisted, at daybreak. I think in terms of the modern working mom, or single mom I relate this idea most to the feeling that I’m losing ground in one area of my life while putting energy into another. Especially when serving several masters, time with my family, taking care of myself, working, and maintaining relationships that make the work worth it. Despondent people typically don’t travel very far. If suicidal, they hide from search teams. Despondent people are often found at the interface between two types of terrain, such as a cliff edge, or along a shoreline. I felt that. Really, I have felt that. Lost adults will usually stay on a trail, however, they may climb a hill to get a view of the area. They rarely travel in a straight line, and rarely reverse direction. When we are lost we think we can fix it ourselves. We get higher ground, maybe we get high, or maybe we chase our tails running in circles and jump to some false conclusions. We aren’t clear yet, but we seek clarity. Daniel Boon said, “I was never lost in the woods in my whole life, though once I was confused for three days. “Well, Dan, my man… I feel that… I have spent a lifetime in confusion. Experts suggest you should do the following when lost: Look to see if there are any travel aids in the area. A travel aid is anything that would give a lost person an indication of civilization, such as an abandoned railroad, or a power line right of way.In this way, we are seeking a connection to something outside. Put another way, people need people. Rescuers DO tend to find you more easily if you stay put. One statistic I found said that 83% of those rescued had not moved for more than twenty-four hours. I don’t think it is much of a surprise that those lost remain feeling stuck in a pattern of self-abandonment. So you will find yourself right where you left yourself- in a bad situation, in a job you hate, in a relationship that doesn’t serve you. And you are probably afraid. I know I get scared when I am stuck. Experts say they hope you’ll set a fire. Fires are a great distress signal. And if you are lost for a while and move on, the extinguished fire circles you leave behind provide excellent clues for searchers. Do you have loved ones out there setting fires lately? Trying to ask for help and simultaneously not asking for the help they need? Not ready to unstick themselves from their own patterns of self-abandonment? We can be awfully messy fire-starting fools when in distress. The main objective of someone who is lost is to be found. The best way to be found is to stay in one place. I’ve been well and truly lost, I have hoped to be so lost I could not find myself again. And what I can tell you is in my lost days is that the lost cannot remain in one place, you must go out, venture into the woods to gather food and supplies to survive. I’ve been a lost woman, lost in the woods of pain, relationships, parenting, career, familial expectations, and cultural ones from a religion that feels closer to a cult than it would be to Christ. A lost person must remain in the same place and also not remain in the same place. I got lost a few weeks ago because I was not paying attention, took a turn I thought looked familiar, and then I had absolutely no idea where I was going, and I was running out of gas. Actually, literally was close to empty, this comes from the practice of emptying out the tank and refilling it every time. I don’t even know anything about cars, but someone, somewhere told me that if you want to get the best out of your car always make sure you don’t let old gas rest in your tank. It came as the opposite advice from someone who was mean to me who told me never to drive on the bottom half of the tank, always refuel at the half-gallon mark, and so as I often am, on the bottom half of my tank, I drove on, hoping to find a gas station. I did. I was okay, but I spent longer driving than I really needed to. An accidental detour. This felt familiar though, there was a metaphor in there for me. A lesson I am still not quite getting. I always have felt on the brink of learning, never having mastered the art of knowing. And still, somehow in all my desperate doubting…I know this feeling, running nowhere on empty. Looking for myself outside of myself. I have done this for years. I did this for approval, I have done it for work, for the sake of other peoples’ needs and not my own. I have done it out of shame. Now when I feel lost I know I have to return to where I last felt most myself. I have to return to every girl I have been, every face I have loved, every love I have lost, every place I have been, every conversation I have had, and every book I have ever read. Everything, everything- crumbling and mixing and planted underneath, my entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. Nothing is wasted. I have everything I need, beneath me, above and inside me. My own navigation skills.

Have you ever felt truly lost in your life? How did you get through it? Share in the comments.

All of this is for meant for you

the dawn

 

Patty Cakes, wild flowers in your hair,, ginger colored dancing, fingers always reaching, eyes searching, hearts beating, fresh clean sheets, clear watery eyes, seaching, spots for sobbing, feet that cant stop running…

The sun as it rises and day unplanned filled with little surprises, train rides, high fives, raindrops, gum drops, bus stops, Plane rides, bike rides, bold and confident strides.

Hello, jello listening to that girl play the perfect cello…

Why cant you come to this place? Lover, why cant you come to this place?

Open your mind and fill this empty space.

Mother’s Helping Hand

When you’ve cashed in all your do-overs and all the I’m sorry I am late’s and the dog is too full to eat your homework…

 

You can come to me. I will know what to do, I have been here before. I can help.

 

When you’ve spent your bottom dollar on a bet, when the sun came out before you got to bed, when your very favorite pair of jeans are wet.

 

You can come to me. I have a solution. I can help.

 

I have done all these things before, okay, okay I admit I have done all this and a helluva lot more.

 

I don’t really learn from my mistakes, I just get better at dancing when the world has raised its stakes.

 

I’ll bring the vodka and ice cream when your heart breaks.

 

Baby…

 

Follow my lead, I’ll teach you my two step.

 

I’ve got your bail money, honey. I’m your rainy day parade, that’s why I promise to come to your aid.chocolate frame pic 16 edited.jpg

Post Chakratic Oaths

When I tell people who don’t know you about the first time I met you and the ways our lives for a decade had danced around the inevitability of an US how my supposed former, maybe one time future sister wife is touted as the “good” version of me- the nicer version…

What does that even mean? 

When I tell them I iced my soul to keep it alive for you,

Then set the house on fire to get warm.

I watched the burning the embers and wondered why it didn’t feel like a loss at all. 

When the bank teller tells me she isn’t my friend,

When my friends stop telling me anything,

When I no longer know how to make friends and wonder why I feel weird in a crowd.

When the ice breaks, the bough from which it hung comes loose and I am undone-

Does this mean I died and nobody bothered to tell me? 

At the funeral I so frequently imagine now, I see my parents, but mainly just their disapproval of me. 

I see my once former husband honestly scared to say it, but so glad to be rid of me.

I cannot see my children there, I am sure its because the thought of leaving them like this is more than my heart can bare.

But something, somewhere stops me..

Did I tell them about the laughter that rang out in a hotel room? img_4465

That we had to be pried apart, that we our bodies fused into each other and he took all the orgasms with him. 

Will they understand that for me, loving was never a matter of choice?

I would not have chosen, I could not have dared.

I did not know I couldn’t logic it away – There was no casualty to be spared.

Will I tell them that my base Chakra is alive with your cells, that from that a burning born inside my Solar Plexus calls out to yours, and you feel it too? 

img_4646

 

 

Velut arbor aevo

My son, have I taught you all a mother can? Is there more to teach?

Climb high son, fear not brave one. You can do this, just extend those limbs, and reach.

You will be graduating very soon, and I don’t know why but it is really getting to me. I am a lucky mom, you’re a terrific young man. Some would say you are untested, you’ve been protected.

Over the years I have seen you grow and change into someone I think can be relied upon, someone genuine and kind. I know you will be a good and kind man to someone, someday. I know you will be private, my young strong Leo, keeping himself mainly to himself.

The family tree we have built is one of many wild little roots, but you have grown in front of my eyes, I’m sorry its taken til now to realize.

 

I have given the wildest of wild roots from which to grow, but they’re yours, so you wont be planted in one place- the world is yours, go now and fill it with your dreams.

It might be scary, but it wont be as hard tomorrow as it seems.

Go now and claim the life you want for yourself. Take this step with great pride, you earned it.

No other mother can ever be more proud of her son than this. IMG_4767 (2)

 

 

 

Honor Bound by Body

I unfold in front of you slowly and suddenly and then all at once as if there were a portal in the magical middle of you

I am bound to the place you pin me. Make no sudden moves, I can’t stop the crest fallen swoon of the eager sparrow- hips locked with your rhythmic grooves

Your words drop like silver star stuff from your crescent lips.

Your crest emblazoned in flames on a near perfect chest…

Writhing like a wicked little witch nary wearing a stitch

Distracted, lusting feels so entirely protracted…

How much time has passed? I could burst in equal parts flame and flower. Let me soft petal soften you where you’re heart has hardened- let me in my Knight.

I, the swallowing sparrow am bound to see this through,

Knight in near perfect body armor- it comes down to you. honor boundhonor bound.2.jpg

 

Washed Away

Something happened to my heart

I can’t follow where it strays

Something took hold of me,

My wild beating heart has left me

It Betrays.

Give me back my common sense,

Im so sick and tired of the nonsense.

It twists my form, and leaves me feeling a kind of dirty that cant be cleaned.

I will rise- filled with a pathetic, if even an honorable compromise.

I strip away all that I am. I will shed this skin I am in.

Give me a new pair of boots, I will dig myself out, and take with me, these earthly roots.

A storm swells inside, this is not a new wave to ride. When the eye finally drops, everything that we have been ..simply- stops.

 

washed away