All of this and Heaven, too?

http://www.morethantwo.com/bridgingthedivide.html

 

Found this blog. Thinking it may help me with a journey I began without ever really meaning to. Im committed to the journey, to the people involved. And to myself. I know you will find this… and I hope that right now you are ok. Because I’m trying to be, and I pray she is, too. And if in the end I am writing this only for myself.. and feeling this all for myself.. Im not sorry to know that I loved someone who just once, even if only briefly… loved me back. For that, I will ever be in debt to you.

For Abby

I’ll never know what I did to be worthy of you, my God tells me we all choose who will be our family… and such a perfect spirit deserved a better mom than me! If it is true what they say… and love is the most important part… darling child, my love for you has outgrown my body, and outstretched my heart! The sweet sounds of your voice fills the walls of this house, and it seems to be a place you belong to. Everywhere I look, every single little nook seems to have been earmarked for you. I think your future holds big things for you… If there is any wisdom, beautiful little Abby your mother can impart, it would be- Always hold on to who and what you are. You were born a survivor, don’t let this world grow big and cold around you. And never forget to let your dreams reach the sky, touch the brightest star! Already I see the woman you will be, and there is no other daughter in the world more lovely!

The reckoning

 

Rose petals lay under us, silkening our skin…any resistance you may have met is gone now, I give in! In such a short time, you’ve given me more than anyone before! There’s a spring of wealth in your eyes, lost in you I now realize… I watch your fingers trace this imperfect form and with absolute non-chalance all my winter has given way to warm!

fantasy

Some people need it to cope, Some people treat like some kind of drug addicts’ dope!
I guess that’s what8086Some people need it to cope, Some people treat like some kind of drug addicts’ dope!
I guess that’s what makes me the weird one, I never think of it as anything more than human superstition manifested. And the ones wearing it, like an old tweed coat double breasted, a tight fit. Maybe that’s why I have trouble believing in it! Apathy has replaced the truism of humanity, and our most impressive cultural muscle- at Slide in slowly- my head pounding against my skull, I close my eyes, and you’re there sliding slowly… I wonder, in moments when I am lucid enough to wonder… when the chemical haze is more like a passing phase, and less like a hunger, a more deep and desperate craze. Do I look to be wanted? To be sated? Validated?
Perhaps just sedated! I remember the day I looked, little lily folded inside the inside… little lovely lily- slide in. Hungry lily never seems to get fed… Fragrant flower, I give you props for all your power!
And when I saw you all opened wide, and sweetly pink on the inside… I wondered why I was always so passive, it seems to me your energy is so massive!
Little lily folded inside the inside… I know you’re what made a woman out of me… and I thank you for all the pleasure you’ll ever give to me!
rophied! I look to the ones who seem to have the most to lose, asking myself “Who did you use?” They say there is good in us all… but our sums cannot equal our parts… so come on, you bottom feeders, you moronic, arrogant, breeders, tell me all about your heart! Then come ask me if I have done my part… I will tell you the truth, I am lost woman looking for her fountain of youth!
25050 makes me the weird one, I never think of it as anything more than human superstition manifested. And the ones wearing it, like an old twe Some people need it to cope, Some people treat like some kind of drug addicts’ dope! I guess that’s what makes me the weird one, I never think of it as anything more than human superstition manifested. And the ones wearing it, like an old tweed coat double breasted, a tight fit. Maybe that’s why I have trouble believing in it! Apathy has replaced the truism of humanity, and our most impressive cultural muscle- atrophied! I look to the ones who seem to have the most to lose, asking myself “Who did you use?” They say there is good in us all… but our sums cannot equal our parts… so come on, you bottom feeders, you moronic, arrogant, breeders, tell me all about your heart!
Then come ask me if I have done my part… I will tell you the truth, I am lost woman looking for her fountain of youth!
ed coat double breasted, a tight fit. Maybe that’s why I have trouble believing in it! Apathy has replaced the truism of humanity, and our most impressive cultural muscle- atrophied! I look to the ones who seem to have the most to lose, asking myself “Who did you use?” They say there is good in us all… but our sums cannot equal our parts… so come on, you bottom feeders, you moronic, arrogant, breeders, tell me all about your heart! Then come ask me if I have done my part… I will tell you the truth, I am lost woman looking for her fountain of youth!

Perfect

  It’s in the sublime note of a jazz musician, a good friends’ compliment, it can be seen in the eyes of a vacationing graduate A well mixed drink It’s the perfect italian meal… no matter the cost and the sight of unaltered skin.

Lela

Lela
I don’t want to be Lela today with her kind words and her festive dishes, I don’t want to be Lela today with her gentle heart, and her kind wishes! I want to be Candy, Jessie, Julie, or Jeneane- Girls who eat red meat raw, smoke their cigarettes hand rolled, and paint their toenails shamelessly green! A woman/child rebel! She will rock you like a lover, and forget you like a leaver will. I don’t want to be Lela today with her public service, her be kind to all living creatures, and her body draped in hemps’ finest features!

What You Dont Know Could Kill… ME!

There are quite a lot of things you should know.

 

Like, I am looking at the finger you once placed a ring on, and it feels so heavy on my hand now.

You should probably also know, that I still read your horoscope every single day. You should know that I don’t even know how to forget you.

I carry you with me like a stone in my heart that makes it harder to keep beating. But my weathered heart still beats in time with a drum that hasn’t sound since you left

You should know, I could not watch as they took you away from me.

I felt the ties that bound us break under the pressure of distance, of time, of crimes against ourselves.

My very being has been aged like a fine wine.

You should know, I’ve lost my sweetness of youth, now. I’m not the apple you plucked from a more forgiving tree.

I need a gentle breeze to come rock me back to sleep. I need my heart like a stone to sink me to my bottom and keep me there until you pass. Until I can get over this needing you like I do.

You should know, I know so much more now than I ever did then.

I hear your voice rapt with indifference that stings me. Hardens me, hurts me, and leaves me a kind of cold that makes you feel as if you cannot ever be warm again.

You should know, I will be okay no matter what, because loving you has taught me a thing or two. And while I would not want to take another journey without you, my feet would carry me to a place where eventually I would heal from the loss of you. 

I will drink from the autumn of our love and I will hope it is enough to sustain us.

You should know, I will always wait for you, in my way.  I carry a piece of your heart in my heart- and its shards are what ache through my core.

I can’t hold it on the road when you are sitting right beside me, with your hand on my thigh- and I am drunk simply by the fact that you are near.

And I am not so old that the smell of warm summer air doesn’t lead me back to June. It was June when you fell in love with me, it was June when you laughed at me, and marveled by the way it felt to feel me at your side. I was your wildwood flower, then. God forgave me in my darkest hour for loving like a child then.

 

Have you?

 

And in our curtain call on a hot august night- we lie together, not really speaking, not able to fully grasp the levity of what we could lose.

You should know it is still always only you I would choose.

The Key To My Heart

I have a secret wish buried in my heart, I give you the only key because this little wish was yours from the start! I want to help you mend yourself, every delicate and precious part. You have piercing unnerving eyes and a soul screaming behind an iron curtain you’ve kept locked with twisty ties! In darkness, when you’re alone you pray that no one will hear your aching cries. But.. there’s something I wish you could see- the inspiring and beautiful gift of divinity. You have such an important task at hand- you must learn how to live outside your shell- if you let me hold you upright- you’ll be all ready nobody has to know– I’ll never tell. Only then can you make room for total kindness, and unconditional support. Come closer– you will see I offer a calm, gentle hand. And a few treasured truths raked against and away from my wasted youth. There is no premium to high to pay to wake with the sunrise and feel nothing beyond just being OK. I think you secretly crave isolation- to get away from too much noise- try to run from the screeching in your brain. Instead, you revel a little too long in your pain, surely you must know there’s nothing from this you can gain. If you let me, I’d wear your cross; let your tired back rest… it’s true you can probably do it better, but I would do my level best. When darkness falls your weary eyes close against all those things you’ve done- you despise- forcing your heart to slow giving your fitful mind a whole new place to go. In the shadows, maybe you’ll find nothing to give you pause- walk with ease and remember that you can forgive all those whose damage you didn’t cause. You could read a book- you could let your story fold out on paper- watch your tone– UN-plug your telephone replace it with a shiny new megaphone let the whole world hear you shout “WHAT”S THIS ALL SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT???” Your potential is boundless and not striving for something truly great is groundless- You are a true work of art! You cannot blend in a crowd. You have an amazing voice so use it. Let your thoughts and inner self be heard out loud. If I could give you the perfect gift, I’d give you Absolute Peace. I will revel in your successes. I am the one you can count on to say “I knew Him When” give yourself freedom. Let your bare feet feel the warm earth beneath them. Buy a silly toy and play! Take up yoga- do it while chewing on your tongue- whatever. Just know your path is yours alone and there is nothing from which you cannot atone. If you could see what I see when I look at you, I know you’d smile- maybe then you’d look back at me for awhile. I want only your health, wealth, and happiness to come- and to give you the KEY to my heart’s secret wish. I don’t want to mold you, but I will always be available if you want someone to hold you. My ears wait in earnest for you. Always eager to hear your familiar gravelly voice- to take and keep your confidences- to be a sound wall— I want to be a real safe place your thoughts can crawl. I wanna know you for 1,000 years- to see you come into your own and be there to cheer you on as you stand tall without feeling you must be shown. Without a word, you’ve given me something I will take away and cherish. You always let me just be me. I never feel as though I need to impress you. In that, you’ve led by example only. My life, because of you, is less lonely. I’m proud to be your friend- I will count myself lucky to have known you in the end. It goes without saying, (but we both I will say it anyway, because when I am with you I relish in knowing there is nothing I cannot say…) To that end, thank you! Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for being one of the best kissers I have ever seen. Thank you for your charisma. Thank you for your take on the world- You are so much more than you seem. When I think of you, I gush! I trust you. I want you to know the real me… all flawed, and human and totally girly! If ever you should need some loyal and gentle at your side- I’d drop whatever offering my comfort, my simple uncomplicated appreciation of you, and genuine interest in what you do. I’d even offer a cool, quiet place to hide. When you see this, and I hope that you do- Don’t mistake my meaning- it is clear and cut. I wanna be your friend. I want to see you pull yourself out of this rut! I am only interested in being appreciated by you. If I am lucky I’ll discover you feel that way, too. We can enrich each others’ lives- if you’re still skeptical, take a long hard look behind my back- I assure you… You’ll find no knives.