“When the God’s wish to punish you, they answer your prayers” she said as she stood looking into the northern sky. There is a lot to say, but for now I need to be silent, I need to answer tough questions. Am I a left or a right? When does a girl give up the Ghosts, and give up the fight?
I would not cheapen you with words that are small, or so big they don’t fit you at all.
You are the caffeine in my coffee, my wake up and face the world call out.
You are like the solid and unexpected 300.00 cash bonus I’m going to keep all to myself because Old Navy is having a sale, and I’ve been wanting to change my hair.
And you are the answer to the question I couldn’t ask, I wouldn’t dare.
You make me look at myself and remind me to laugh, and to forgive… I think you may be the only one I know who gets it and really knows how to live.
You’re the chord in that song I can’t stop trying to play.
They tell me you will disappear without apology one day… but to them I simply say
He would not cheapen me with carelessness, or act simple, or unsavory at all.
I am the last snicker doodle in the bag, I am a soft safe space where your hurts heal.
I’m the hot bath at the end of a long day, I’m the keeper of the lost word you forgot to say.
I’m the fingers on that right hand, right now… reaching out to feel.
It is every day, and in every way my heart you steal.
There are always strings attached to gifts and other things.
A polarity that will pull at your heart and leave a feeling unsettled within…
It is one of those strings I am tugging at now..
There are things I just know like one and one is two
and I am still figuring out where to put you.
We are so much alike I’m betting you have the same trouble. too.
Put me in your pocket, and I can jingle with your keys
Because even now the site of you brings me to my knees.
Change. 2012 brought nothing but the unrecognizable…
These things I miss…
One of the most amazing people I will ever know.
Good times had
Friends who I somehow outgrew… I still love you.
That which I can live without…
Voices raised in anger
The near loss of a loved one
Still I know despite all its unsettled dust this is my jumping off point. In a year or so, it will all change again, I know. So… then for now I want to thank my loved ones for being part of the weirdest, wildest year of my whole life. Im proud of all of you who played parts in the story we are still trying to understand. And Im proud of others too, for their contributions, their solutions, some elegant, some disgusting, some still so… enticing. 2012 I cannot say I will miss you, but like the song says, an old friend like you cannot be forgot.
It’s saturday morning… the sun is warming the window panes, and we are in a place so near to heaven… a place of perfect peace, and happiness. Your feet find mine, and in comes a small boy with sleep still across his face… trailing behind him is a blanket made before he was born- in anticipation of his arrival. And he is giving me his sweetest smile..
In one simple scoop you grabbed him, tickling him while his small legs swung over to me… and he is there and our feet still touched… and he is laughing- and we are kissing his toes, his noes… and for what could have been forever you looked at me and my heart was so filled with the love we made… out of almost nothing, here was that moment made perfect.
We never had another Saturday morning with the sun spilling in, and our son sharing that space between us in the home we made together. Never again were you my home, or his.
I may never get that feeling back… but it still so nice to know I ever had it. So for that, for the perfect note struck, for the little boy who still sleeps with that blanket his grandma made for him before he was ever born… and for the chance to find someone who is capable of so much more than just a moment… I give you my thanks.
And when you said time is all it takes to heal I would look out at the dwindling daylight wondering aloud… is time the trick?
Tricky time… I wait for you, I sometimes chase you… I try to hold you in my hands- and try to save you.
I will set you free… and in the final darkest hour on my clock I hope you will still release me.
I thought I’d make friends with time, thought that we were blind- but fine because don’t THEY say, To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven?
When is it our time, my time, your time and their time? Can we have it all at the same time?
I say Yes.. just a small three letter word for beautiful possibility, for all that is likely and well worn, well loved… and sometimes at least for me, a bit forlorn.
So I finally get the joke- time moves backwards through the things we want, feels we like can’t move from the horror of a painful spot, and leaves us too quickly in our prime…
In the eye of a child you can see a snowflake for the first time, and in the eye of my grandfather I saw one for the last time.
One time… that is all it takes… to understand the delicacy of our very being. The way the wind carries us from one place to the next when we are made of ice and stardust.
I see your once well loved soul whose wheel has stopped spinning and feet that have turned to rust… and I want to, NO! I need to BREATHE life back into you.. let you see my mind’s eye… let the healing of my love and laughter lift you-
Altruism may seem silly to some, and that’s fair.. but I see these souls as deeply deaf and dum. I offer you a solution to the polution of your empty head… come find some rare peace nestled neath the surface… give me sweet release. I surrender… no more the pretender.
Before the dawn breaks the sky and interrupts this perfect night… know this,
I had fun. I laughed at you, and with you, and a lot at myself because I am so ridiculous.
When daylight comes, I will move from this spot, and find another… and I will remember how I felt last night, and that inner voice will sing a song that stings less.
After dusk, I will dance in my garden with my childrens’ laughter ricocheting off the earth into my heart… and I will know I am what I needed to be all along.
I will understand them, and they will look at me with perfect trust and know that I am the first and last place to come for kisses, and for shelter.
There is no room for the cold world outside our window to touch us in the home we make together. My sons will grow in my garden tall as trees, and inside them will be the roots of a love so great they will only ever have to touch the ground to feel it… to trust in it, and to greet the world with purpose and kindness.
My daughter, my beautiful, complicated, silly, exposed nerve of a girl with big blue eyes, and soft dewy skin will know only strength, and decency, and have perfect faith in herself. She is the change the world wishes to see. I know this because she as all the love in my heart, and feminine wisdom that carries on from the women who come before, and we share their struggle, and triumph. She has a third eye where she can see into the meaning of a man, and know its intention. She has a soft voice that when heard aloud, opens a portal to place of philosophy, humility, and pride. She doesn’t know it yet, but she is perfection personified…
In the gloaming when these 3 sheep are asleep, I will call to you … and tell you that I channeled you here.. that I carried you in my heart, and that I could not have done it today without you. I will tell that my feet got tired. That I remembered your recipe for chicken and noodles, and that I wish you had been here to remind me to be patient with close minded, fear mongering, or as some call her, My Mother. I would have liked to remember that one today. I will sleep with your song in my heart, because the morning will come again, and I will wait for them all in my garden. Thank you, nanna for sending the butterflies to me, thank you for sending your love to me… and send some more to her.. she is sad and lost today, too… one day, she will hear you.
There are a few crumbs left on the table. The crumblings of the things we dared to dream, and the sense that we could become more than we seem.
Don’t worry, I can manage them. They have become my new companion.
I didn’t sleep last night, or the night before but when the dawn came… I felt a little less, and did a little more.
I am off searching for second, thicker skin, because all of this, every bit of its aching, endless possibility did me in.
I have no parting words of farewell for you, Harbinger.
Just a simple, I will see you later….