Washed Away

Something happened to my heart

I can’t follow where it strays

Something took hold of me,

My wild beating heart has left me

It Betrays.

Give me back my common sense,

Im so sick and tired of the nonsense.

It twists my form, and leaves me feeling a kind of dirty that cant be cleaned.

I will rise- filled with a pathetic, if even an honorable compromise.

I strip away all that I am. I will shed this skin I am in.

Give me a new pair of boots, I will dig myself out, and take with me, these earthly roots.

A storm swells inside, this is not a new wave to ride. When the eye finally drops, everything that we have been ..simply- stops.

 

washed away

 

 

 

Letting It All Hang Out

She rides to treatment today with her knees drawn to her chest. She’s reading the book I started, and because she isnt the one driving she has now gotten ahead of me. The words drip off each page and fall like petals into her lap.

Treatment today will be filled with questions I can hear ringing in my ears. Why was she at the party? Didn’t we discuss her not being at the party? Did you observe her? I did. I think so? She’s hard to watch I always want to sweep her hair from her face. I always want to change her clothes. I hate myself for this. I wish I could just relax around her. She’s a time bomb to me. She’ll go nuclear again, and we’ll find her on the floor.

I feel so judged. I know it’s just me. Im doing my literal and actual best. I know this. I cant do more than this. I have twisted myself up, and feel like every instinct I have is wrong. So wrong I am afraid to leave any permanent marks anywhere. Nothing that cant be undone somewhere else. I am not good enough these days for writing words in ink. They must all be free to be erased and begun again.

I watch with curiosity as the other mothers make their way in and out and seem to hold a confidence I just dont. They look like they all finished college. I bet they didn’t have their sick daughter when they were 21. Its just plain too young. You know I hear speak of their kids being “cured” and I think to myself- “Fools!” This is a not a common cold. This is a cancer that lies dormant and go into remission only to strike again, without permission. riding in cars

Inheritance is Accidental

Image

Daughter- I cannot take it back.

I did not see it coming.

I just watched the pain ravage you from within,

Daughter- I hold you while you cry.

Held your hand with breaking heart, and red eye both times in the hospital because for you it was harder to breathe than it was to die.

Seeing the girl I had pinned my hope to, my very heart to, hating her skin.

Knowing that every single day was a sort of hell you were living in. 

Because I thought if I loved you harder, held you tighter, and saw you make friends, and write poems, and learn to make a perfect pie-

it meant you  were better,

the nightmares, and self loathing were over.

And like a chapter in a book we women come to know as growing up,

we turned a corner.

And your life was precious not just to me, but to you.

All credited to the outcry of love from all the people around you.

A lie you tried to swallow too.

Because it was easier than telling me.

Daughter, hear these words-

It isn’t your fault.

You did nothing wrong.

Daughter! I begged you to stand up to demons within,

take control of them.

I was so stupid.

I didn’t know the things you did.

By the time you were big enough to talk, you’re spirit had been stolen.

See, the thing is,

I was an artist, unconventional.

Being the kind of mom who taught you see the stars as beacons of hope to pin dreams to.

Busy being the mom who taught you to love,

to forgive, to fly free-

because, for me, daughter that was the only way to live.

We stop looking up,

we can stand firm on the ground.

My hands once held open, are a closed fist- ready to stop the monster who stole consent, and innocence from your lips.

Daughter I will always stand beside you,

I do my best to guide you.

I may not always know what I’m doing, ( a secret fear in the hearts of all mother of all daughters throughout the history of children )

I don’t have every answer to these kinds of hurts,

there is no bandaid, or magic kiss that can take the pain away.

But every time you feel sick, sad or scared Daughter reach out,

let those delicate fingers stretch out beyond your safe zone-

and put it all, every bit of it into me.

Daughter!

Let go of what is gone, and cast that demon out-

Scream, cry, stomp and shout.  

Like a phoenix rising from the ash,

Daughter you can start anew.

There is nothing now that demon can take away from you.

If ever your feet fail you- fall into my arms.

I wont suffocate you.

I wont diminish the light inside you, somehow even in your darkest hour it burns brighter than the sun.

Daughter- the world is yours. And I am yours, too.

Inherit the wind,

Daughter- let it carry you from this place to new ones.

Discover yourself.

Challenge accepted wisdoms,

and redefine the wheel as a thing that gives you momentum.</p  

Tied Up

watching_the_world_burn_down_by_1honey1-d34crnu

Lately my limbs have new knots

Because Im tied up in your trees

With branches that tangle and twist

 From ankle to wrist.

And the song birds sleep in the palm of my hands…

Their song like a prayer

You cannot understand them, if you don’t care to listen

There are people you meet who can level you with a simple look,

They make you believe in the fantasy from your favorite childhood book,

He’s been brought to life.

He’s got your soul in his teeth …

When you see him build a bomb shelter because

The Heat Signature between the two of you will cause the world to

Incinerate Underneath

Shame

A thousand lies fell from my lips before I was old enough to vote.

I lied about you to my friends, I lied to my friends about you. I lied about my age. I treated the world like my stage.. and I pretended that nobody noticed the cracks in my sidewalk.

It was to cover the thing I was so shamed by- the things, the many of them that I did not like to look at.

Growing up and forever being fat.

That my mother really doesn’t like me. That my mother really didn’t want me. That her words offered little comfort, that the sound of her raised voice makes grown men contort.

That she was so very hard.

I was so soft bellied, soft hearted, big hearted. Exposed nerves and senses of justice. No experience in your real world.

Just a few bewildering experiences with little boys, and I mean stupid boys, and boys who wore their pants too big around their hips, boys who stared at my tits and licked their fish lips.

pretty good year

prettygoodyear

Change. 2012 brought nothing but the unrecognizable…

These things I miss…

Creature Comfort

Self assuredness

One of the most amazing people I will ever know.

Good times had

Friends who I somehow outgrew… I still love you.

Innocence.

That which I can live without…

The insincere

The selfish

The foolish

Voices raised in anger

Debts

The near loss of a loved one

Still I know despite all its unsettled dust this is my jumping off point. In a year or so, it will all change again, I  know. So… then  for now I want to thank my loved ones for being part of the weirdest, wildest year of my whole life. Im proud of all of you who played parts in the story we are still trying to understand. And Im proud of others too, for their contributions, their solutions, some elegant, some disgusting, some still so… enticing. 2012 I cannot say I will miss you, but like the song says, an old friend like you cannot be forgot.