It happens too
quickly for me to keep still- to hold it in my tiny hands
I’m racing and pacing the cold stone floor- But my fool heart is wasted…
Daughter- I cannot take it back.
I did not see it coming.
I just watched the pain ravage you from within,
Daughter- I hold you while you cry.
Held your hand with breaking heart, and red eye both times in the hospital because for you it was harder to breathe than it was to die.
Seeing the girl I had pinned my hope to, my very heart to, hating her skin.
Knowing that every single day was a sort of hell you were living in.
Because I thought if I loved you harder, held you tighter, and saw you make friends, and write poems, and learn to make a perfect pie-
it meant you were better,
the nightmares, and self loathing were over.
And like a chapter in a book we women come to know as growing up,
we turned a corner.
And your life was precious not just to me, but to you.
All credited to the outcry of love from all the people around you.
A lie you tried to swallow too.
Because it was easier than telling me.
Daughter, hear these words-
It isn’t your fault.
You did nothing wrong.
Daughter! I begged you to stand up to demons within,
take control of them.
I was so stupid.
I didn’t know the things you did.
By the time you were big enough to talk, you’re spirit had been stolen.
See, the thing is,
I was an artist, unconventional.
Being the kind of mom who taught you see the stars as beacons of hope to pin dreams to.
Busy being the mom who taught you to love,
to forgive, to fly free-
because, for me, daughter that was the only way to live.
We stop looking up,
we can stand firm on the ground.
My hands once held open, are a closed fist- ready to stop the monster who stole consent, and innocence from your lips.
Daughter I will always stand beside you,
I do my best to guide you.
I may not always know what I’m doing, ( a secret fear in the hearts of all mother of all daughters throughout the history of children )
I don’t have every answer to these kinds of hurts,
there is no bandaid, or magic kiss that can take the pain away.
But every time you feel sick, sad or scared Daughter reach out,
let those delicate fingers stretch out beyond your safe zone-
and put it all, every bit of it into me.
Let go of what is gone, and cast that demon out-
Scream, cry, stomp and shout.
Like a phoenix rising from the ash,
Daughter you can start anew.
There is nothing now that demon can take away from you.
If ever your feet fail you- fall into my arms.
I wont suffocate you.
I wont diminish the light inside you, somehow even in your darkest hour it burns brighter than the sun.
Daughter- the world is yours. And I am yours, too.
Inherit the wind,
Daughter- let it carry you from this place to new ones.
Challenge accepted wisdoms,
and redefine the wheel as a thing that gives you momentum.</p
There are a few crumbs left on the table. The crumblings of the things we dared to dream, and the sense that we could become more than we seem.
Don’t worry, I can manage them. They have become my new companion.
I didn’t sleep last night, or the night before but when the dawn came… I felt a little less, and did a little more.
I am off searching for second, thicker skin, because all of this, every bit of its aching, endless possibility did me in.
I have no parting words of farewell for you, Harbinger.
Just a simple, I will see you later….